Working towards

Hi. I practically feel like a walking zombie today, my eyes is half close and I can fall asleep anywhere. I was prepared to hit the gym today doing my routine workout however I am mentally killed, I went home instead. 2 months ago I was still a weakling, I can't even barely lift 3kg but now bring it on; no problem. However today I have lost the motivation and energy to workout despite being dressed up for gym, I am mentally tired that I don't have any feel to do anything not even my school work, I have been wasting my time lying on the bed doing nothing therefore I decided to come here to type this. I feel so demoralize about my own body, from 17% body fat on November 2015 instead of going lower I actually hit 23% body fat which made me lost motivation, I am also at my heaviest weight ever now. It is less than 1 week to my Nutrigirl photoshoot, I have no idea what to do really.. whenever I see people progress shot each day I will ask myself what have I been doing, I will later tell myself it is ok I can achieve the desire body fast but I am getting worst.

Ok previous sentence was from yesterday, I was so tired I fell asleep while typing. Yea the struggle is real, only less than 4 week out to finals and I have not start dieting, I feel myself so lousy that I can't even accomplish simple thing. Took some diuretic pills today, went to research about it that it is not advisable to exercise while on that pill however I am still going to do it otherwise today will be my day 4 of hibernation mode. FYI I am not trying to seek attention of what here, I just want to rant my heart out ok. So I woke up late For school today morning, not sure if it was the sleep aid pills that caused me to be in deep sleep or what; mum woke me up saying I have school to attend and me without thinking I told her today is a Saturday. Sometimes I feel like just breaking out in tears when I think about how others are well in their profession compare to what I am doing, maybe this isn't for me but then I brace myself and say don't cry. I was once a positive girl but all was gone, I am not sure what took it away. I just hope that I can stand confidentially on stage during my finals And perform well regardless of how I am going to look like.

You know sometimes I wake up and weight myself I would see my body fat going up, I am not sure if it is the problem with the weighting machine or is it my muscle died and become fats. I also get hungry easily but I dare not eat because I am afraid I will grow fat, I would rather starve Because I know no matter how much I eat I would still be hungry; I know this is not right way but I just couldn't control myself now maybe it is just my mindset, I will also try to stick to healthier choice food because I am not dieting but the I am unhappy feeling hungry. I also have no much feel to take pictures nowadays because I don't feel myself good enough to show the world. Without dieting and frequent exercising I plan to rely on supplement hoping it will help in a good way.

So lost. Don't now what to do. Struggle is really real. This is a feeling not everyone will understand. I really hate it when people encourage me to drinking and staying out late (just for this period of time), if they are not supporting in my fitness journey I am totally fine with it, but please don't.. influence me to a bad lifestyle I will hate you for it. I am just trying to be on a par with the girls but my bulging tummy and fat thighs just doesn't allow me to. Not sure when will I achieve the proportion body but I know one day I will as long as I don't give me. Only person that can motivate me and keep me going will be MYSELF.